Waiting..., Hands, Knits.

So I applied to go to school. And now I'm waiting. And waiting. Annnnnd waiting. For an answer as to whether or not the school has accepted my application, whether I will get financial aid. whether I will get the loan I need to pay for school. I really want to know what is going on. I've checked the loan website over and over again! But it's nothing new every time. Bummer.

I've only told my sister and Melissa so far. (Well, obviously my husband knows!) I don't think I'm even going to tell my mother. I'm sure she will only have negative things to say about it. I'll tell her after I graduate. Then see what she has to say.

Oh why oh why can't they just hurry up and tell me yes or no?!?!?! The waiting is driving me nuts.

My hands are in terrible shape. I'm going to see the Ortho doc in a couple weeks. Surgery is what we're looking at. For whatever reason, I showed zero improvement with therapy. Even not knitting and wearing those stupid braces at night didn't help. And can you imagine how hard it was/is to NOT KNIT??? So I'm supposed to be still wearing the stupid braces even thought they drive me crazy and rip my hair out and scratch me. I'm trying. I hate them, though. And they seem to do no good. I still wake up with pain and numbness. So frustrating.

Knitting has been difficult. I've got a one-year-old, ok? He keeps me busy, that's for sure. Not that the other three every let me have a break, either. Of course, I don't mind too much. They're cute enough that I still like them. ;-) But I have some of this and some of that done. A dishcloth here, a hat there. Or shall we say, parts of things here, parts of things there. I like to start new things so much, I have a zillion UFO's all over the place. I have finished Molly's hat. I'm sure it won't go over very well, considering none of her family knit and do not realize the amount of time and effort even something as small as a hat takes when you're making it by hand, but I really don't care. It is really cute, though.

And I have not been keeping up on Ravelry. I pop over to read a bit now and then (I even posted a few days ago!) but as for the amount of time I was spending there before? Not so much. After all the crap with Mom going into the nursing home... I just don't have the patience for it. And the worst part of that? I know that's somewhere I really could go and talk to someone about it. But I feel like I might be misunderstood. To tell the truth, I'm afraid that my Rav friends will think I'm a terrible daughter and a worse person. And I don't want that at all.

I did, however, make up a hat pattern for a friend of the husband as repayment for a favor she did for him. I made notes and wrote out the pattern. Was knitting another of the same to test out the pattern while playing D&D at the in-laws and MIL requested a copy of the pattern for her friend who wants to knit hats for her granddaughters for Giftmas. Hopefully I wrote it well enough that she gets a nice finished product out of it.

3! Restart! Hats!

Cakers is three now! Yikes. I can hardly believe it right now. The time has passed so quickly. It makes me realize that time passes faster than you really think it does. Hubz & I have been married for almost five(!) years, I have a teenager (EEK!), we've lived in this apartment for 2 years now. So many more things that have just flown on by, too many to list.

I've failed miserably at the 101 in 1001 challenge/goal. I'm going to start over again. AGAIN. There are so many things on that list that I want to accomplish. Now that I've got a printer I can have a hard copy of my goals sitting in front of me and do some other things I wanted to do to help keep myself on track. I plan to print individual goals and the steps I will take to get there, print out little reminders to myself of things I can do to work towards completing goals. All things I'm too lazy or busy to write out by hand.

I've joined a(nother) new group on Ravelry. This one is the 52 Hat Challenge. The idea is to make 52 hats in 52 weeks. The end of the goal is technically the last day of 2009. Since I joined later that Jan 1, I've got a little bit of catch-up to do. But I've already got one hat done. One thing I really like about this particular challenge group is that it doesn't specify where the hats have to go. I haven't got the money to ship a hat somewhere, much less 52 of them. It's just "challenge yourself to get it done and don't worry where they've got to go". You can donate them, gift them, or keep them! Very cool. Especially since I've got several hats I want to make for certain people in my life. However, I don't think I've got 52 people that I want to give a hat to, so I'll certainly keep one or two myself but I think I'll have a few to donate. I'm not sure where to donate them just yet. I mean, Dr. Green's office/the Oncology Department would appreciate them, I'm sure, but so would the children's hospital. Since they've both helped us, for different members of our family, I'd think I'll give some to each. But then again, there's ECHO and House of Mercy (one of the area's homeless shelters) and the YWCA battered women's shelter and all the elementary schools around here like to have extra hats for kids who lose their own. So many worthy causes to choose from. And they all need them. How does one decide?

My mother has started dialysis. Her kidneys finally gave out. No, let me rephrase that, she finally killed them. They got sick of her abuse. I love my mother, don't get me wrong, but she doesn't care for herself. She says she wants to live to see all her grandkids graduate and go to college but her actions contradict that. And she blames everyone for it except herself. She's completely in denial about her diabetes (she was diagnosed in like 1990 and still acts like she's not sick!), she refuses to follow doctor's orders, no matter how many times they tell her that if she doesn't do this or that she's going to die. She completely refuses to accept responsibility for her actions and behaviors. Plus she lies her ass off on a regular basis. To her family, to her doctors, to her friends. Most everyone knows her games now, though, but not everyone. The woman my mom calls her best friend didn't even know she had full blown diabetes until just a couple of weeks ago. They've known each other since 1998 and my mother always hid it from her and downplayed the full scope of it. It's totally ridiculous. And I know I sound totally callous and compassionless but if you've lived her game, that's how you end up when it comes to her.

Doing...

So I'm doing pretty miserably on my Day Zero project. I'm not blogging, I'm slacking on walking with Bam (which won't matter next week since I'm subbing for him while he's on the tennis team, but still...), I wanted to reorganize my list to the frequency of the goals (daily, weekly, etc.). It just seems like there's not enough time in my day. Maybe I'll make individual lists of the daily, weekly, etc. goals and just have to post them by the door or something. To counteract that whole out of sight, out of mind thing. I do well with visual reminders.

Gotten a couple small knitting projects done in the past few weeks. Tried out Tribbles and made three within a few days. Great for scraps! Finished a hat for Lula, she spent the night at Gramma's and forgot it there, then spent the next few days crying about her hat! She's adorable. I'm trying to make a neckwarmer for a birthday gift. It's getting me all kinds of crazy. I've frogged it three times. I really think the intended recipient will like it so I don't want to give up on making it, and it's just a freakin' rectangle, for @%*^'s sake! I've had issues with ugly pooling, width, and needle size. I've decided to give it one last go and if I fail again, it will be understood that this project and I are not destined to be together. Then I will set fire to the yarn and cackle with glee.

J-Bug is growing like mad! He's in 6-9mo clothes already, and some of those are getting close to being too small. I can't believe it how big he is. He must weigh almost 20lbs by now. But he's looking healthy and he's chubby but not fat, so I'm not concerned.

Cakers is so disappointed that she does not get to go to school yet. I feel so terrible telling her that she's not old enough. She gets this sad look on her face and it just makes my heart ache. I'm going to look into Head Start. She's really smart so I bet she won't qualify for it, but at least I can try, right?

Lula is getting really excited about school starting again. It's so overwhelming for her that she cries every time we talk about it, the poor kid. I hope she makes more progress this year. It's going to get a lot more noticeable to her classmates that she is so far behind. I know some of them were already teasing her last year but I also know that kids get meaner as they get older. I don't know what I can do about it, either. I don't know if there even is anything that can be done. I hate the thought of my little girl being teased. She's so sweet and pure. She doesn't deserve what I know is coming.

Bam, well, is nearly a teenager. And he fits the bill. He's mouthy, he's rude, he's lazy. He doesn't want to do anything he's told. Yeah, he's becoming a teenager. He's not as bad with me so much. He can get really shitty with George on occasion. All he wants to do it play video games, pretty much. As for school starting again, he's basically indifferent. It's like, well, I know it was coming, so whatever. On a happier note, he doesn't have to have surgery on his leg. The doctor said that the plate can stay in forever unless he has to have a hip replacement. Which wouldn't happen until he's (in the words of the doc!) "old and grey". (I thought that was pretty funny, coming from a doctor who's probably around 65 and quite grey himself! LOL) I was more relieved than I thought I would be. I had prepared myself for my baby (haha) boy to go into the hospital to have his leg cut back open. I knew since last summer that he'd have to get that plate out. But when Dr. E called and said that he'd recently learned at a conference that plates (at least that type of plate) won't inhibit growth in kids, so we didn't need to take it out, I was giddy. I probably sounded like a complete loon to the doc. Oh well, I'm still happy that it can stay in!

So that's me for now.

I really am...

Even though it may not seem like it, I really am here for you.

I wish there was more I could do for you than just being available to listen. But I can't help you with childcare for work; I can't help you pay your rent; the best I can do is provide you with an ear and keep you in my heart. I hope that's enough, even if it doesn't feel like it to me.

I love you, Babe, and I know you'll make it through this.

A bit of time

So while the baby is sleeping I've got a bit of time. I've been wanting to do an "About Me List" type post for a while. I couldn't decide how many to do so I asked my hubby for a number between 7 & 20. He chose 8. Here goes...

Eight (or so) Bits of Info About Me:

1. I'm addicted to knitting. I love the hows, the whys, the whats, everything about knitting. I consider myself to still be a newbie knitter. I love collecting yarn, needles, patterns, and any knitting goodies I can get my hands on.

2. I hate looking at myself in any mirror. If I can avoid it, I won't let my picture be taken.

3. I like to get drunk but I'm terribly afraid that I will end up being an alcoholic like my father. Alcoholism runs in my family on both sides, paternal and maternal. In my soul, I feel the potential for that addiction. It's very frightening because I know what it can do to a family.

4. Pepsi is my favorite non-alcoholic drink. Bacardi Light (rum) with Pepsi is my favorite alcoholic drink. Pizza is my favorite food. I think Papa Murphy's Take-N-Bake is the best pizza ever.

5. Purple is my favorite color but I also love pink, white, and black. Strangely enough, most of my yarn is other colors. Blues, greens, reds top the list. I wonder why. ???

6. I don't ever want to be without internet service again. I love my internet, even though I don't get on much anymore and blog even less, I hate the thought of being unable to access it. Ravelry is like crack to me. Yes, that's shallow. But it's true.

7. I want to own a house. A ranch-style with a laundry room on the same floor as the bedrooms, a pool table in the basement, and a kitchen with a big island in the middle of it. I wouldn't mind having a pool in the backyard, either. And a hot tub.

8. I'd rather donate to a charity or organization that helps people in the US.

So that's my Eight Things list. The baby is still sleeping. It was quicker than I expected it to be. I suppose that means it was easier to do than I thought. I'm not sure how I feel about that.