If this, then why that?

If god was so damn wonderful, why is that boy dying of cancer? Why does a family have to bury their little child? I'm sure they've been praying all along, how is praying more going to help?

The argument that "god does these things to make you stronger"? Maybe that boy's mother doesn't fucking want to be stronger! She's a mother- she's already strong!

If the argument is "it's all in god's plan", I thought Free Will was in the plan. If it's already mapped out, beginning to end, there really no free will then, is there?

I need good, real answers to these questions. I don't want "oh you just have to believe". Give cancer to a rapist. Give cancer to a murderer. Give cancer to a child abuser. Or give the cure for cancer to a scientist.

The Song of Us

Every time I hear that certain song, the song you said represented Us, Our Friendship, it hurts so much. The pain is refreshed. The pain is made raw again. It was one of my favorite songs before you ever gave it meaning. Why did you have to ruin the song for me? But more so, why did you have to ruin our friendship? I never wanted anything but the best for you. The jealousy is ridiculous. I know that's part of it. But the situation that makes you jealous will never change. And it's not what you think it is, anyhow. I can't explain it to you, but it's not.

You hurt me. Forever. I can forgive you, but I can't forget. If I forget, I might let it happen again. Lesson learned, babe. Have a great life.

The next forever

I'm struggling. I got a job. Woooo, right? Sort of. It's the job that I want, but I'm stuck doing it from 630pm until 5am. Plus a 45+ minute drive each way. But it's money and we need money. I wanted to do day shift, but because of certain things in my life that are not going to change, I can't. I'm a little scared because I'm looking at how life is going to be scheduled and I'm not going to be getting enough sleep. There's no way around it. I'm also a little scared because the last time I worked overnights, I went to a really bad place and things were precarious and I'm glad I'm still here today. I'm starting in a much better place now than I was then, but it's not so long ago that I'm able to dismiss what happened. I've tried since we got here to get a job closer, but no luck. I'm trying so hard to look on the bright side, but I'm just not a third shift person.

All that complaining aside, I ***am*** extremely glad to have a job! The benefits are pretty dang amazing, too. And money! It will give me money!

Tired

Dannnnnnng I'm tired. This moving business is exhausting.

However, the packing guys are nearly done! I thought that, with all the crap we have, they'd need all of tomorrow, too. They're damn good at their job! There's only 3 of them.

The adventure continues....

Bewildered

Once again, I am really fucking bewildered by some parents. One of Lily's few friends spent the night last night. I picked her up, I knew I'd have to take her home. It's not a short drive, either. We live on the far south east side of town, they live on the north west side of town. They never offer to split the driving. But I'm like whatever, we're going to be in Florida in a few weeks, she's Lily's friend and Lily is worth it to me.

I had her call home to make sure someone  would be there. No one is answering. The last time we had her over, I had to call from a number they didn't recognize and threaten to call the police to get them to respond. She lives with her grandma because her mom can't or won't care for her. I have no idea about her father.

I don't understand how people can just not care for their kids. Especially someone who takes on a child because the parents don't do their job. Why the fuck would you even bother taking custody if you don't give a shit about the kid? It doesn't make sense.

Because of how they act, I won't allow Lily to spend the night there. Am I being judgemental? Maybe. But fuck, this is my kid's life I'm talking about. Lily is naive and trusting. I try to teach her about strangers and that not all people in this world are good, but I don't know how much sticks.

Blargh. I'm going to start making kids and their families complete applications before they can be friends with my kids!

36 days

Thirty-six days. I don't know how to process this. I'm so excited. But terrified. We still don't have a place to live. Rentals are priced crazy. And they go crazy fast, just like houses!

Our house is still a complete disaster. The kids are flipping useless. It's like they don't want to go. Or don't care about their things. That's my fault. For giving them oodles of toys and clothes and junk. I don't really want to go down and throw away their stuff, but I think that's what it's going to come down to. Que sera, sera, right?

Freak out time

Les than 70 days until we leave for Florida. We still don't have financing because the dipshits George was trying to get it through don't understand that he has a job and can't sit at work and chat. The first guy is in eastern time zone annnnnnnd kept leaving his office early. The second guy is also in  eastern time zone. Not helpful when we are in central!

So George has an appointment at for 6:15 this evening. He says it's their last chance before we find a new finance company.

In the meantime, I'm struggling to get something, anything, done. We can't pack stuff because of the moving company rules. I understand why, but it's also frustrating because WHERE AM I GOING TO PUT ALL THIS SHIT?!

I'm going crazy. I don't know how this is going to all get finished.

Seventy nine.

Seventy nine.

Seventy nine.

SEVENTY NINE.

Only seventy nine days until we leave for Florida. We leave everything and everyone behind. School. Family. Friends. Knowing how to get to this store or that restaurant.

Seventy nine days to go through everything we own and decide what to keep and what to get rid of.

Seventy nine days to make minor repairs to our entire house and clean it for selling.

I wish I had more help. I feel like I have to do this all by myself. George is gone from 7am until 6pm, and he's tired when he gets home. The kids are gone at school all day. They don't want to have to come home and work, either.

I just wish I had someone here to give me directions. We're not allowed to pack anything because of the movers. But how do I get anything done if I can't do anything?

Seventy nine.

I’m struggling with some feelings. My heart is hurting. I’m not looking for advice, or a pat on the head, or anything really. I just need to get this out of me.

This morning, after dropping my whole passel of kids off, I was heading to an appointment. Fortunately, I was going to be very early. At a stop light, I saw “a guy” walking. It was raining and very windy. His hat flew off and he had to chase it. I saw several people laughing in their cars. It was a little comical, but I still felt bad because of the rain and because his hat landed in a puddle in the gutter. Then I saw his face and thought I recognized him. My light turned green and as I got closer, I saw that it was who I thought it was.

It wasn’t “a guy”, it was a kid that is in class with Lily. Mind you, this is all happening at about 8:15am. High school starts at 8am. Add in that this intersection is around 2.5 miles from the school and he’s walking. And it's rainy. A lot rainy. And fairly cold. So I turned around and pulled up next to him, rolled the window down and offered a ride. He recognized me and accepted. I’m not sure what his specific disability is, only that it’s not physical, though his speech is somewhat unclear when he's talking fast. It’s not super severe, I mean, he can carry on a reasonably adult conversation, he can get himself to school, etc.

This is the part I'm struggling with:

He was going to walk all the way to school, in the rain and terrible wind because (his words) “my mom forgot I had school today”. We chatted as I drove to the school and he ended up telling me that he either has to find a ride to school or walk. We have a city bus system that disabled persons can use at reduced fare, or even better, special needs kids get bussed at no cost to their families. I don't understand why someone wouldn't take advantage of that if they don't want to drive their kid. I mean, he said she was home. He implied that she had a vehicle. He said she just didn't like to drive him to school.

I understand it's hard being the parent of a kid who has an intellectual disability. It's hard. It sucks. It really fucking sucks. It's struggle after struggle. It's watching all the other kids succeed and follow that "milestone chart" while watching your own child fight to get potty trained, even though they're 8 years old. It's meeting after meeting after meeting to discuss test scores and "adapted testing", "adaptive PE", "adaptive learning plans". It's teaching the same damn thing 500 times and it still not sticking. It's having to help a 15 year old shower because she still doesn't know how to wash her hair and get it clean. It's being told that "you're never given more than you can handle" or "god chose you for this because you're strong enough for it" and having to smile at the idiot saying it instead of punching them in the nose like you really want. Because guess what? It is more than I can handle. And I'm fucking tired of being strong. People don't understand what we go through. Unless you are living it, you can't guess what it's like. I'm trying to remember that. I'm trying really hard to not be judgmental, but it's so hard. I know that I don't know the whole story, either. But I think about what it would take for me to just shove Lily out the door every day and I just can't come up with anything.